i was 8 when i first got put into the home. my aunt made my parents and dr beleive i had epilepsy!(i loved to day dream)
never wanted to go there! found it very scarey.
i was the only one of my age group there so was glad when some teenagers befriended me.(5 lads and 1 lass)(i shared a room with the lass)
it made me feel grown up hanging around with the older kids.
after a month or two, things started to change - maybe it was because i got to go home on a weekend! i don't know!!
i remember one night, i had gone to bed, when thses teenagers came into the bedroom and sat on my bed.
I remember feeling scared all of a sudden, it was like i knew something was gonna happen!!!!
next minutei was pinned down on my bed! so scared but couldn't make a noise!!!
then the lads took it in turns to rape me!! the lass just sat there holding me down laughting. i can still see her face and hear her laugh now!!!
I felt so scared and didn't know what was going on!!! apart from it hurt so bad!!!
this was the begining of 14 months of abuse and rapes!!!
They told me that if i told i would be stopped from going home to my family!!!
i wish i had had the strenght to tell a member of staff!
on my 9th birthday they locked me in this little shed!! and would occasionally come in and hit me with sticks!! they were very careful not to leave any visible marks!! each of the lads would come in and rape me! 9 times that happened! a sick version of giving someone birthday bumps!!!
i lost all of my confidence in those months!!! i wanted to die!! i ran away from the home twice!
i hated my parents for taking me back every sunday night!! i hated them for being in there!!!!
a couple of years later after i had come home for good!! my brother had his turn!!
it was my 11th birthday and my mum had to go out!! leaving my brother in charge!!!
i had gone into my bedroom to get ready for bed when he came in!!
he pushed me to the floor and raped me!!! told me not to tell as mum wouldn't beleive me( which was true!! he could not do no wrong whilst i could not do no right!!)
i remember spending hours in the shower trying to wash him away! but no matter how hard i scrubbed i still felt dirty!
he raped me about 6 more times! until he was nearly caught! then he stopped! acted as if nothing happened!
i had no where to turn so i just bottled it up inside and tried to forget!
i found life so unbearable!
i started to get bullied at school and often hit back!! which ended in me getting into trouble!!! had no friends as i pushed everyone away!!
I actually made 1 friend just before i left school!!!
I joined the RAF straight from school to escape from my family and past!
But with having so little confidence i was bullied again through out my carear!! took and OD at one stage!!
got one very good friend in my last couple of years! due to her boyfriend telling her about me and how everyone laughed at me!!
she wanted to meet me! and relised that i had been through alot!! we became very good friends!! and still are
I left the RAF and moved back near to home! where my mum still tried to control me telling me what and when to do things!! My brother was very protective of me!!! i felt like i was being suffocated!!
Then i met my hubby on an internet dateing site!
as we got nearer to the wedding day my memories came flooding back!! I finally told my key worker about my past and she got me an appointment at the local rape crisis center.
this was a june 03! things have been very hard since then! we married and moved 150 miles from my family in less than a week!
I've been unable to get a job due to no confidence! but slowly things are getting better!!
still that scared 8 year old! but now i know they can't hurt me anymore!!!