I was taken into care at 18mths old after my parents abanded me.
During my time in care I did not receive any emotional support (Cuddling or holding)

When released to my Fathers care after 10 years in a children's home I was unable to express affection to my New Parents and this led to them putting me back into care after 12 mths.

My return to care after this Second abandonment by my Father.

I was punished for displaying disturbing behaviours and put away in a strict prison like establishment.
During my Time there I suffered mental and physical abuse on a daily basis over a twelve mth period.

I was Fostered out to a fellow pupils parents Who although well meaning did not display any loving feelings towards me.

I ran away to Blackpool at 17 and worked at the Fair.
During this time I had my first real physical contacted with another person.

I returned to my Foster parents at 18 and from then until I was 20 drank heavily

At 21 I married a woman who I met at a party after 2-3 weeks, this lasted 12mths

At 24 I married again. This relationship appeared to be everything I had ever wished for but this relationship broke up after 9yrs
This was a devastating break up which also ended my nursing training

At 34 I was drifting around the country and drinking heavily

I met my current wife and have been happy in this relationship for 6yrs

Although I believe that I am in a secure relationship I find it difficult to trust it.
I feel that I am not deserving of anyones love
I doubt peoples motives in being nice to me and have a constant fear of violent reactions.

I am deeply ashamed of being brought up in care and still feel responsible in some way.

Up until 12mths ago I was plodding happly on and the police arrived at my door.
my name was given in a abuse case and they wanted me to remember......Bad news
I found myself on a spinnig roundabout and was unable to stop the memories.
I.m still spinning but its getting slow day by day.

This site Helps so much. Now I know I,m not alone any more.

Thanks to you all for your warm welcome.

Parkenders

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