I've been thinking
about this for sometime... I've never really wished to go
into how my childhood abuse has affected me... I just given
dates, times, specifics when they have been required. (Here,
I think being able to just say how it has affected me without
it having an impact on any relationship in my life is such
a wonderful opportunity).
I'll get the quick facts out of the way first
to establish the context. Sexually abused from 4-16. Physically
abused from 9. The only thing that changed was my mum broke
up with my step-dad when I was 16... that was very difficult
for me... I should have felt relieved but he was setting his
sights on a woman with 3 little girls... I couldn't just let
it happen... so she was the first person I had ever told (since
telling my mum when I was about 9). Her response: "My
dad raped me, I got over it, if it happens to them, they will
just have to too". !!!!! (I didn't know about the Department
of Family Services back then). Even though those little girls
would be women now I still have nightmares where they are
crying and saying "Jacinta, why didn't you do more to
save us?".
(Warning: Intimate and somewhat explicit)
The other thing that bothers me is sex. I don't know how,
but I manage to seperate sexual abuse from consentual sex
very clearly. Maybe because the first time I had consentual
sex, it was so beautiful - and so healing for me, like it
wiped the abuse away. Metaphorically, it was like a gentle
kiss on the forehead... compared to 4x2's across the head
that I had been dealt, up to then. They couldn't possibly
be the same act! However, the parts that I still have the
most issues with, is the stuff that I was made to do, and
that was done to me, that goes way beyond the boundaries of
my normal, adult, sexuality; really sick, depraved stuff -
that's the stuff which really gets to me.
Here I am 29 years later still battling with
the "fly on the wall" syndrome... and seeing things
from outside my body. (I didn't even know, until about middle
adulthood, that that is a common experience for survivors!).
I was withdrawn at school and was bullied.
I was obviously withdrawn at home too.
My general relationships have always been
strained... and here I am at 33... and I have never had the
experience of putting my trust in someone who was worthy of
it. I figure I can't stop people hurting me... but I can stop
having anything to do with them. So, I have absolutely no
primary and secondary relationships (meaning family and friends).
My only contact with people in the real world is through tertiary
relationships (shop assistants). I don't get lonely... my
pain from previous experiences still negates my desire for
emotionally intimate relationships.
What I do get, is frustrated though... I
want to do so much more to contribute to society. I get frustrated
that I am not living up to my full potential. But I feel the
world is just far too brutal for me to participate in it.
All I want to do is feel "safe"! I don't want to
be a hermit crab... but I don't feel safe enough to come out
of my shell. My life is stagnant, inert, cluttered, restrictive
- and I know deep inside that it could be so much more dynamic
and purposeful... it just makes me sad that I feel so wounded,
so tired, so disillusioned, and so resigned to the life I
have.
I hope that all the experiences in my life;
whether positive or negative; are guiding me to actualising
my true life purpose... I hope that I find the right path
for me and have the courage to pull my head out of my arse
and go for it!
My sad little quote is "So far this
lifetime, I have met more soul-enemies than soul-mates. Meeting
soul-mates must be in final chapters of my life story."
TY for listening
Jacinta
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