one of my earliest memories in hiding in the shed by the rabbit hutch i loved that rabbit.Can't remember its name.I was hiding in there as my mum was screaming at my dad yet again.she really hated him.i love my dad he made me feel safe not when mum's around. My sister and i left with mum when i was 4 to live with my nan and her boyfriend Ray.i now know that my mum and possibly nan accused my nan of sexually assaulting me.apparently my sister aged 2 and me were in bed with him.my sister later said that dad had squirted white stuff out of his thing over my nightdress.My sister says she remembers this but never mentioned this to me.When i was 18 just before an a level mock exam mum told me this.then sister backed it up.i refuse to believe it. i have no memory of this.Mum now says dad raped her that's how she had my sister- not sure how i feel about this.

my earliest memory of ray hurting me is when he raped me aged 5.i was screaming for my dad so he put one hand over my mouth and held me down with the other.i didn't put up much of a fight as he said i could see my dad if i was a good girl.He hurt me then he got a my red toy broom and snapped the handle he put it inside me.i couldn't breathe i was scared.he hurt himself on his zip and started shouting i was crying.I tried to get away he got a glass bowl of water and cotton wool i didn't want him near me but the water was so soothing.i was so scared i was shaking. years later mum told me i had been leaning on the handle of the broom while standing in a chair and it got stuck.-yeah right but obviously believed ray.i remember going to the dr for check ups how i hated pulling my knickers down to be examined.when i had grommets in my ears aged 7 i had a big fight with a nurse there as i refused to take my knickers off and just wear a gown.I lost and remember crying,this wonderful black man was pushing the trolley and made me laugh in the lift.i made another friend a woman attached to a drip wearing a brown cardigan i was scared of using toilets.

i remember ray pushing me into the cupboard under the stairs and putting his hands in my knickers touching me putting his fingers inside.i didn't stop him.he called me queenie said i was lovely i was special.i made him happy.he wanted to be with me.made me touch him stroke a part of him.i didn't want to but he said didn't i want him to be happy don't make me shout.He was always shouting at my sister.my mum was always shouting at my sister and i.i loved my nan but i wanted my dad ,and his mum and dad too.

there was an incident in the garage.He was making a kite with me out of wod and material with a long tail.he kept telling me how clever i was.he said we could fly it later.he sat me on the side and put his hands inside my knickers his hands were rough.i din't like it but i wanted to fly the kite.his fingers started to hurt me i couldn't help crying,he opened the freezer and gave me a lolly that stopped me crying.

He had a train set set up in the loft.he liked to put me on his lap and watch the trains.i remember once we were up there and he took my clothes off i can't understand now why i didn't mind.i remember him stroking my hair and saying i had golden hair like an angel. he put me on top of him and was inside .he raped me.i was glad when he stopped. why didn't i rush to put my clothes on i just sat on the floor.he told me he loved me.

we left when i was 6 to live with my stepdad .he was very kind and i felt safe with him.i had friends there to play with .there was an elderly couple nearby who were great to my sister and i.they chatted to us and made us feel important.i remember riding our bikes for them.i cried when the lady died.We went to find the man years later and took our brother to meet him he was so pleased i was 12 then.He died when i was 13 how we cried for him.

We stayed there until i was 9 then moved to the house where we had lived with nan.By now nan and ray had split up.Ray had remarried.Nan lived with her sister until she remarried when i was 9.Mum and her fell out when i was 11.this made it difficult for me to see much of nan.They moaned about her all the time.I liked her new husband he didn't try to cuddle me.he is gentle and considerate he didn't try to be my best friend and i love him still for that. Ray still came to visit us.

between ages of 7-14 ray often came to visit us alone.he would put his cap on my head i felt special.often i would sit on his knee or rest my head on his knee.mum thought we were close.he always took my sister and i to seee the fireworks at his sailing club.whenever he came round he would kiss me full on the lips out of sight and often his hands were all over me.Once he kissed me and my 3 year old brother saw us and said he was my boyfriend ray pushed me away i was confused.
When i was 10 he took my sister and i to brighton for a day trip we had great fun.he would hold my hand and skip down the path if there was a lampost in the way he'd pretend we were stuck how i'd laugh.
When i was 11 we spent a few days with him and his wife.One night when we were there i felt something by my bed.i was relieved it was only their dog.i dozed off but then i felt something again.he had got in with me.his hands were over me.the moonlight shone through the curtains he was really hairy and had taken his pyjamas off.he had taken his glasses off.he raped me i didn't like it i wanted to scream at my sister to wake up but she was asllep under her pillow.i couldn't breathe.i woke up next morning covered in blood i couldn't move i was really scared.My period had started early she thought i was upset at making a mess.she bought me some tampons i was too scared to say i hadn't used them before i was terrified they'd get stuck inside.so i got some selotape and taped it the string to my leg,i was scared.We went swimming i really hated it. i couldn't believe my stepdad let me go he hated ray.

During years 6-14 i saw my dad 3 times a year.i liked being with my dad but was scared to see him because mum kept on how terrible he was he was dirty smelly and so on.my sister really hated him and called him father.i wanted to call him dad.but everytime i was nice to him my sister would tell mum and she'd be hurt.the social workers said i said t didn't want to go.they let me down i loved my dad.I got on well with one of my stepbrothers we had a laugh together.i liked my stepmum didn't like the other stepbrother.i had a sister and brother who i lovedi couldn't help but be a bit jealous of them.dad kept a lot of mum's things so we'd often look for them there this did upset me.i just wanted to see my dad more often but didn't dare tell mum that. nan isn't too keen on my dad either but doesn't hate him.dad has always been nice about my mum.

My stepdad tried to be my friend but i grew to hate him,.he became more critical.he criticized everything.i was too fat .i didn't talk properly i gabbled don't say lush you're stupid.Don't eat like that hold knife and fork properly.no drink till you've finished.took great delight in making us eat things we didn't like.i had to sit opposite him how i hated it.then he would spend hours cooking a tasty chinese meal and sharing it with us. i couldn't figure him out.He hated my taste in music and made us sit and listen to his.weren't allowed to have an opinion he was always right,would often hit my sister round the head not me though.Only remembered him hitting me once at night.he pulled up my nightie and pulled down my knickers and smacked me really hard.I went berserk screaming and locked myself in the bathroom.He didn't do that again.Before then teased me by syaing i slept with my legs in the air he had to come in and cover me up this upset me greatly.After the smacking incident wasn't mentioned again.

He wouldn't let us have snacks.one mother's day told us to buy a present demanded receipts shouted at our bad choice how i cried.if we were upset enjoyed making us sit there in the chair weren't allowed upstairs.eventually started cutting my arms with a razor.hitting my hand with a mallet.putting pins in my arms imagining i was in hospital.taking too many lpainkillers so i'd sleep a lot.Strangely he was very sympathetic with my painful period pains. Mum was the one who would smack with the wooden spoon and also shouted.Once slapped me round the face for saying i hated my stepdad.Was always arguing with him and crying and maoning about him.Stepdad let us have any friends or go out.Had to wait till he went out. I loved my younger brother cuddled him watched james bond films with him.made dens played games,pretended to be superheroes!I hated leaving him when i ran away aged 17 he was 10.I went to nan's.It didn't work she had a heat attack.I got in contact with dad great!Went back to mum breifly all went wrong.Wouldn't let me see my dad or nan it broke my heart,He threw me out on my brother's 10th birthday.

Lived with my current husband from then on.used to travel back to home county to do ilex course ands visit my dad but due to son's problems failed i couldn't concentrate.Had my son 7 months later (didn't know i was pregant until4 months gone).Son had birth problems intestines outside stomach wall.Was okay after 10 days in intensive care.Went on to have behaviour problems i think due to me being too critical and shouting i couldn't cope.When son was 3 months old brother in law died.I though a lot of him he was an alcoholic due to beind physically abused by girlfriend.he died of alcohol poisioning.i knew him for 18 months but he was a very kind gentle caring man and i miss him so much.i wish i could have helped him i tried but it was too late.Lived with mother in law for 3 years nearly drove me mad as both heavy smokers and dogs not house trained she was very lazy didn't get up until 12pm so couldn't hoover terrible environment for a young son.She was a very caring and supportive woman though and we were close.she made me loved and made me laugh.
I had an affair with my boss he used to tie me up told me i was special his girlfriend didn't let her do that.Said i was wonderful said i was his fantasy.I couldn't feel him i liked the attention.let him take me. Left work due to second pregnancy stress wasn't good.Complained about boss cutting hours so was paid £1,000 for a goodwill gesture.Had a fling with a distant cousin but he used to hit me i chose my husband over him.Over the years was close to my stepbrother close but always trying to grab sometimes i liked the attention sometimes.We had sex just once but i always regretted it this was over 8 years ago. not.Mother in law died 3 years ago i miss her so does my son they were very close

This year july stepbrother i was close tocame to my house and raped me .i didn't say no but tried to pull him off told him i'd been sexually abused he didn't care.I thought i loved him i hate myself for that.

Got married 8 years ago have been faithful ever since.now i have 3 children still with my husband.close to my dad ,stepmum,sister and brother difficult though as stepbrother still lives with him.Send emails to stepdad but not mum i am angry with her she kept me away from dad but let ray near me.They won't let me see brother who was recently locked up for beating up girlfriend in front of their 2 yearold.Haven't seen 3 of them for 11 years. Sister- strained relationship.Close to nan and stepgrandpa.Close to father in law and girlfriend.Get on okay with other brother in law( don't like girlfriend as she hated my son just beginning to improve thanks to my son bless him), sister in law and husband are nice love my 12 year old niece she's great!

worked at a playgroup close by got bullied threatened by a woman on probation doing community service there as told her daughter off for biting and aggressive behaviour.Woman below me but older hated me being deputy her daughter was vice chair so hated me too.Lied about me and i nearly had a nervous breakdown.Luckily retained links with friends at playgroup my kids went to.they helped me survive and i work one day a week and fill in.They're like family!

Tried homeopathy didn't work.Now having counselling-flashbacks began in july after rape can't shut them out.Before had very few memories below age 10 now i've got a lot of good memories back too.

Still cutting arms had a couple of suicide attempts this year.trying to get better on antidepressants.trying to keep busy building up confidence.hate having my son at residential school comes home at weekends. Have problems making friends but i'm getting better -school was quite an ordeal.Just began to tell stepdad about abuse-my inner child needs him.I now know that ray tried to assault his daughter she slapped him round the face my nan wishes she'd gone to the police.He made advances towards mymum she says she told nan who ignored her.My nan was sexually abused by three of her older brothers and physically abused by her mother.

thank goodness for this site i couldn't cope without the compassionate and understanding people here.

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