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You are here: Home Category Blog ==== Identity at a loss ====

==== Identity at a loss ====

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My name is Charlotte and my story may be a little different than others but I'm sure there are those out there who are feeling the same..I am a 43 year old woman with three children from my first marriage thirteen years.I didn't know anything was wrong except for maybe PMS but as it escalated throughout the years and started causing my mind to think crazy I then got a divorce from a wonderful man that actually took care of me.. What was wrong with that picture? I then started trying to find out who I was and with each relationship, I could never trust that someone really loved me or could be faithful. This has lead to a long road.

I was finally diagnosed with BPD after counceling through my second marriage to yet another wonderful man that couldn't cope with my mood changes. As a child, I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather and I don't know how long it continued and I suppressed it for about twenty years or so. I didn't realize a pattern in my life until I was about thirty two and my relationships kept repeating themselves with distrust and insecurity. I left my second husband after several years of marriage and personal counceling feeling unloved..

There was nothing he could do consistantly to show me.. He was so releived for me to leave but did not want to admit it. I'm in a loving relationship now and the BPD is starting over again.. Although I have been on EffexorXR for about three years now, I feel that something more needs to be done because I don't want to repeat this pattern in my life forever. My fiance' shows me love and support but at least once a week I start to whine about his love and wonder if he really loves me and wants me..I start feeling insecure about our relationship and it is putting a strain on our relationship and probably pushing him away. I can't let this happen now so I want to seek help in coping with this disorder. I feel that I have to for his sake and my peace of mind..

 

It's like never feeling loved unless someone is constantly showing and that is vertually impossible and too much pressure to put on anyone. I don't want anyone to have to feel this pain of insecurity all the time. It hurts me to admit that I have BPD, but at least there is a name for me..Thank God. But coping with it and trying to get better at the same time is very difficult on my relationship. But today, I am going to start doing what I need to to get better..My second husband always said I live my life through a song and I do believe he is right because I am a singer and I am really emotional about it and I find that when I sing, I feel better but at the end of the day, I am emotionally drained from it also. I

 

t feels like an emotional hang over.. But it does help..I have recently moved to another town with my fiance' and this in itself is a big strain, missing my family and my confidants and girlfriends and at this time I have no one here but my fiance' so he gets all of my emotions..Bless his heart.. But today, I am going to start getting better on my own and if anyone, anyone, wants to talk to me or if you have any advice, please feel free to email me and let's talk.. It does a body good to have friends to talk to in crisis even if it is just for that brief time of psychosis.. I need you and hopefully you need me..We all want to feel validated and needed so let's help one another..

 

Lovingly,

 

Charlotte

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 19 August 2009 18:23 )  

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You are here: Home Category Blog ==== Identity at a loss ====